GPOYW - What’s the matter, never seen a guy reading the Sunday Sports section with an open container of cherry tomatoes accompanied by Red Velvet Cupcake scented candlelight? Sounds like your evening needs an upgrade.*
*outside of the frame I’m boiling broccoli because Jenna asked me to
Well, it’s been a year and time to move again yet this time our house is bigger and double the excellent. Promise, I’m excited.
GPOYW - Occasionally I wear shirts with holes in them out in public. This is not a fashion statement but merely an act of defense as the bar we play Wednesday trivia at causes you to leave smelling like a TGI Friday’s.
Unfortunately Steve Jobs installed a sub-par iSite camera on my Mac so the hole is not remotely visible. Trust me, it’s there and would make PeopleofWalmart.com proud.
What makes you the best at something? Can you say that if you study or do a focused activity long enough your gained knowledge and know-how regarding a subject matter will be sufficient?
After you work hard and become Jack of All Trades, I guess tossing around the word “best” may be an option. So the next logical step would be calling your business Best blah.
These absurd analytic thoughts rolled through my head as I drove home for lunch behind a business service truck branded with the name “Best Carpet Cleaning.” Pretty egregious declaration don’t think? What happens when you hire these individuals based on perceived merit (not their website which is likely GIF heavy) and turns out they do a below average job. But according to their name these guys are the best, there are no other alternatives out there because you initially took the top tier and here you are, your carpets are now covered with slightly lighter-colored cat pee stains.
Ambition is a strong trait to own and following through speaks volumes to anyone else wishing they could do the same but damn man, don’t pigeonhole yourself with the name “best.” The chances of your performance being north of below average compared to regional competitors is all too high. Life isn’t Google where getting the most SEO friendly domain results in referrals. I hear the name “best” anything my skeptical mind immediately becomes doubtful of your abilities to do any task properly and attempting a coverup by branding yourself in that manner.
And on top of all of this, the company vehicle may had been serviced by Best Auto Muffler because the engine note coming out of this small block F-350 van sounded something similar to that of a 747. Duped by their own kind.
But on a lighter note, here is a GPOYW of me judging everything you purposefully looked at on the internet today.
GPOYW - Trying to fly Ellen’s gay pirate ship kite edition (with special guest, Aaron Thacker)
There are many opportunities here for inappropriate commentary relating to flying a rainbow pirate ship - the wind not blowing hard enough or being unable to get the kite up. And with these lessons, we were reminded how much the physical construction of ships are best suited for cutting through liquid resistance as opposed to floating in the sky.
James could probably provide more educated insights here but I believe the ultimate faults of the kite was build quality, insufficient ruddering and too many vertically stacked surfaces to provide adequate lift for each. Lump those factors together and this rainbow pirate ship was never even given a chance. Likely an intern design project.
GPOYW - Can you imagine if this was taken on Instagram? It would be considerably more ironic and probably grained over with a relevant artistic filter
GPOYW - So the other day I thought to myself, what happens if I’m walking down the street and someone says - WHOA - you would be an ideal fit for my new awkward yet humorous TV series about people living ironically funny lives and making witty observational humor. The chance of this happening in ones daily life is extremely high so I figured it was time to prepare.
May I present to you my first professional head shot. I cannot disclose from whom they were shot by, all services were offered free of charge believing I will be a star within 6 months and willing to accept delayed payment (trust me, they are super famous on Instagram). Not being a vain person, the whole experience made me to realize how insecure I really am - is one eye bigger than the other, was that joke about my hair receding just really a joke, should I mention I regularly hold Infinite Jest book burning parties?
All these panicking thoughts came rushing through my head and then… suddenly, I snapped out of it and remembered this was merely a company stock shot for the local intranet.
GPOYW - This is what an Instragram photo looks like right? Ironic angle with preloaded filter followed by uploading to the Internet. So fun and natural!
GPOYW - Remember this time in your life when image was everything but discovering your true friends mattered most? Here you see me approximately 17 years old (4’ 10”) standing next to my two best friends Mark (6’3”) and Tom (6’1”). Thought likely not indicated in the “alt tag,” this photo was uploaded as the retard line. Despite the politically incorrect nomenclature, that is what we called ourselves as we identified this line as the outcasts - the too cool to be in band but dammit we loved playing our instruments so we conformed to the organized expression as pictured above.
Granted the nerd factor was quite high and 99% of all assumptions were true, I could not have asked for a better collection of companions to be dubbed the retard line with. So here’s to late growth spurts, socially awkward prepubescent behavior and probably one of the best years of my life.
GPOYW - Being on the cutting edge of trends is not particularly something I subscribe to but I do my best to keep hip with the kids and follow trends that I could reasonably adopt myself. Recently the trend-setters on my block have been showcasing a unique hairstyle that oozes the edge, roughness and prepubescent attitude that only comes around once every six months - I believe it’s called the “Push My Hair to the Middle Faux Hawk Because My Mom Would Kill Me If I Actually Had the Real Thing and Would Probably Take Away my Allowance So This Is My Cruise Control for Cool Now.”
Initially I was skeptical about making this choice but after some styling labor and extended gawking in the bathroom I feel I have achieved the look. My girlfriend seems to enjoy it, she has been pumping her first and chanting “brah! brah! brah!” every time she sees me so clearly she’s impressed. But the success of this experiment was not solidified until sitting on the couch and my cat attempted to use my head as a litter box.
So now you know, cats hate Faux hawks.
Yes, my name is Aaron. I'm 29, currently employed in Kansas City
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Contributed to: Gadgetell.com
